guest column
by Paul Telner and Byron Pascoe

pass the kishka! (the Jewish community center)

The Jewish Community Centre is the place where gossip is exchanged as fast as recipes for kugel!

We want to give you an accurate depiction of the honest truth. We joined to meet Jewish girls. We even had free passes at another gym.

The JCC should have a new edition to their membership package. They should consider the “Looking for nice attractive Jewish girls” package. The centre would ensure that both guys and girls were meeting and flirting. The machines at certain times of the day would be reserved for young, attractive people looking to meet.

Paul likes meeting people of all ages, but has enough numbers from woman over 70 (he needed a matza ball recipe).

In most gyms, as people lift weights, you hear people straining saying “ahhh!” as they lift strenuously. At the JCC you hear nothing but “Oy!”. We like that. It’s comforting.

The gym is a Jewish mother’s fantasy for her son. It’s an oasis and Mecca where Jewish girls can be met. It’s the modern day version of the arranged marriage; it’s the arranged work out.

In terms of the machinery, we would change it so that each machine was assigned a theme, such as what you are trying to burn off. There would be the “Shabbat dinner”, “Kreplach”, “Cheese Blintzes” and “The Chanukah Machine”, were you work out for the equivalence of eight days (what a work out!). For major stress relief, the “My son is dating a WASP”, where you just beat the hell out of a punching bag!
To add pizzazz of a gym’s environment, the music should be a little bit louder. Possibly throw some Beastie boys on there. How many Jewish rappers are there? We might as well support them.

As for the TVs, the programming should be creative. Maybe play old videos from
members’ Bar and Bat Mitzvahs!?

Having individual cups at the water cooler is a must to make it hygienic. On special holidays, water should be replaced by Manishevitz. People will get a little bit more laid back.

Now to the men’s locker room. Pants were created for a reason.

From the second we walked in to our gym’s locker room, we were bombarded with older Jewish men walking around with their knish’s hanging around each and every which way. We understand it’s a change room, but these guys walk around and socialize totally naked!

“So Bernie, how was the fast on Yom Kippur?”

“Did you try the sponge cake at the Kiddush the other day?”

They are having real conversations totally nude! It’s the Jewish version of Oz!

Closing our eyes, we go in and out as fast as possible. The truth is we will totally be those guys in 40 years; we will probably be worse! Who are we kidding? That’s us today, just that we wear pants.

Get a membership to your gym. Enjoy the facility, and if you see a naked older person walking around, and it’s not you in the mirror, smile and realize that will be you before you know it.

Pass the Kishka!

Humor writers Paul Telner and Byron Pascoe regularly write about their escapades in the Canadian Jewish community.

For feedback, contact editor@sdjewishjournal.com.