A respected psychologist looks to debunk the concept of romantic love with a bold experiment... and he's the guinea pig.
by Sue Garson
"Love is an attempt to change a piece of a dream-world into reality."
-Theodor Reik, renowned psychoanalyst
Tevye's plaintive question - "Do you love me?" - is a familiar example of a learned love. In Anatevka it took 25 years for Golde to reluctantly acknowledge it. In 21st century San Diego, prominent psychologist Robert Epstein hopes it will happen sooner.
Today, at age 50, this youthful father-of-four and survivor of two acrimonious break-ups and child custody battles is once again pursuing love - scientifically - personally - and professionally. In the May 2002 issue of Psychology Today, he offered himself as guinea pig in an experiment where he and a potential mate would train themselves to fall in love. He called it "The Love Project" and it triggered an avalanche of responses: thousands of women from all over the world wanted to take part, two book contracts followed and a CBS documentary crew began following Epstein on his search for a partner.
Everyone seemed to be excited about the idea except Epstein's mother. She deemed both the concept and her son "meshuggenah," in her words.
The idea for the project came in March 2002, nearly a year after Epstein had broken up with his ex-girlfriend and the mother of two of his children. He was interviewing an intern and fellow writer who mentioned she had never been in love. That night, Epstein thought that maybe he and the intern could learn to love each other and write a book about it. "Alas," laments Epstein. "She had a boyfriend." But the Love Project was born.
After sifting through the myriad responses to the article, Epstein met with 15 women. None of them panned out. "Some were after money and/or publicity, some felt intimidated by the media coverage that ensued," Epstein explains, "and others I simply didn't like." He twice attempted to place an ad in the Personals section of The Reader and twice the ad was rejected because, Epstein says, The Reader insisted it belonged in the Employment section.
Then, last Christmas, on a flight headed to Boston where each have relatives, the paths of Robert Epstein and former ballerina Gabriela Castillo collided. Soon the 41-year-old trim blonde became the object of Epstein's attention as a potential lifelong mate. Fluent in five languages, the divorced mother of three had married into one of Venezuela's most influential Jewish families and had undergone a rigorous conversion to Judaism.
About six weeks later, on Valentine's Day 2003 at Epstein's hilltop home in Vista, in the presence of friends, Gabriela's sister, 22-year-old Justin Epstein and too many members of the local and national media, Castillo and Epstein signed an Epstein-designed love contract. The contract asked the signatories to read extensively about love, to undergo intense counseling in order to master essential relationship skills, to become psychologically and emotionally intimate, to attempt to create a deep, enduring love, and to keep private daily diaries of their experiences. Oh, and not to date anyone else for the duration of the agreement.
The ambiance was festive. Castillo baked for the occasion and decorated Epstein's house in pinks, reds, and lavenders. Heart-shaped balloons dangled at varying levels below Epstein's 20-foot ceilings. The pair barely knew each other but the intent was that through counseling by some of the world's top relationship experts - including John Gray (Men Are From Mars/Women Are From Venus), Mark Kaupp, Linda Savage and doctors Janice Levine and Howard Markman (co-authors of Why Do Fools Fall In Love?) - they would fall in love.
Months after the festivities, Justin Epstein, a recent graduate of UC Santa Cruz reflected, "I felt like my Dad and Gabi had a strong connection and great chemistry when they were together on Valentines Day. When Gabi accidentally spilled an entire two-liter bottle of coke on the carpet, she and Dad were immediately joking around about it," Justin grins. But, he adds, "Being constantly filmed, interviewed and critiqued has added stress and confusion."
So far the biggest mistake has been letting the media get involved. They sent a crew to Caracas where Gabriela Castillo is presently managing director of a small telecommunications company. "They've been following us on a daily basis. Gabi hates it but she's better at handling media than I am, probably because she used to do commercials in Venezuela and has been on magazine covers with her children as 'Mother of the Year,' so she's more accustomed to being in the public eye," says Robert.
Although Epstein doesn't advocate arranged marriages in our culture, he insists that we can learn from their documented successes. He cites a study published in the Indian Journal of Applied Psychology in 1982 that found, as many studies have, that love in romantic marriages tends to decline dramatically over a 10-year period, while the bond in arranged marriages surpasses the love in romantic marriages at about the five-year mark. Through most of human history, says Epstein, romantic love was seen as a form of madness. "It's only in the West and only very recently," he maintains, "that it was seen as a precondition for marriage." He points to the low divorce rates among India's arranged marriages. "Long term studies of happy, successful marriages suggest that passion plays little or no role in the long-term success of a relationship," he says. "Companionship and friendship seem to be much more important factors."
"I believe strongly in traditional marriage," he continues, "but I've not had much luck with it because I bought into the Hollywood message of love and lust forever… and that there is only one person in the world meant for each of us. Now," he says, "I have two exes who hate me."
Growing up near Hartford, Connecticut (where he returns monthly to visit his parents), Epstein dabbled in dance during his college years. Soon a spiritual calling led him to a yeshiva in Jerusalem before his interest in psychology culminated in a Ph.D. from Harvard in 1981. He is a psychology professor at Alliant International University and recently finished a four-year term as editor-in-chief of Psychology Today. (He remains with the magazine as West Coast editor.) He has taught at Boston University, University of Massachusetts at Amherst, UCSD, and universities in Tokyo and Osaka.
Today, Epstein has custody four days a week of his two younger children. With 11 books in print and another on the way, and with teaching and lecture commitments in Japan and other foreign countries, Robert Epstein is one busy guy. Even so, he says, "I'd love to marry again - and I wouldn't mind having more children. My greatest joys," he adds, "have come from my children."
While Epstein says the Love Project has trained him and Castillo to fall in love, the question of marriage remains unsolved. Castillo lives in Caracas with her children, who don't want to move, and Epstein isn't planning on leaving the States. But they remain in contact daily via e-mail and phone. "Now the issue is," grins Epstein, "can love conquer all?"
A CBS camera crew from 48 Hours is waiting to find out.
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